30 September 2005
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep, I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me,
yeah... yeah... yeah... yeah... yeah...
29 September 2005
Today a difficult roomate taught me something.. the value of motherhood.
what does she know, she's not living my life~ isn't that exactly why there's a problem? So many times, mummy, i knw i've thought that and maybe i still do. I know i do. I keep thinking that ur not good enough to even try to understand what I am going through, why i do so much shit behind your back.
but then today, i realized that thinking that is exactly that~ u will never understand what I'm going through if I don't tell you. I can't like 'she' did, expect to book myself a room and wait, for u to find me and ask me wt's wrong.. i need to tell u things more often.. i knw that and probably some day i'll get down to telling u all this..
bt till then.. i just remembered a couple of things. Like turning 18.. it was wit u n chennai.. it wasn't even my b'day, bt that lil trip by the beach in the hot sun.. sand so hot we HAD to walk wit our slippers on, eating steamed channa frm the sidestalls, buying shells collected frm the ocean, figuring out where the hell the malaysian embassy was in the sweltering city and the deceitfull auto man.. i think it was on the 10th of June..
Like in bangalore, when our house was being sued and u n i walked most of the court house looking for lawyers to check our case out, then finding the most useless one ever.. wt did u call him again?
Or in Kumbakonam this time arnd, when i cried abt the blood on the bed.. cz i was so angry that we had to sleep on that.. and u got mad and chucked everything out all arnd the room because u thought i deserved better, u were so angry ma, u were shaking all over... and then u cried too.. i was just mad at you then, now i'm in awe.. cz u have the funniest way of showing that you do give a dam
Or in Bangalore again, when u told Satish na off when he scolded me, because as u said, no one in the world can scold ur children or beat them but u, because u were our mother and u had the right to.
I do love you so much, strange how i never show it, or say it... sometimes i even forget it.. bt i knw i do.. especially when just writing these things down here makes me miss you n cry.. reminds me of when i watched Spanglish and Mansi was amazed to see me cry at the end of the movie.. because of the line.. wt u say wt u do whether u accept me or not (uni) it will not effect me, it will not define me.. because i have been defined by my mother... ur definition is not what i'm looking for.. or something along those lines.. u knw it's true for me too..
25 September 2005
to run down on the past week's events
- bag got booted by bikers
- earrings got booted by unknwn individual/group
- ball happened..
- bangsar on a broke nite happened
- concert at backroom happened
that was my week.. and if i may add.. it was an eptiomy of how bitter sweet life can be.
20 September 2005
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4251968.stm- if in doubt, do check this article out.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/05/sci_nat_return_to_the_moon/html/9.stm- nasa plans on how to build a base on the moon, that will serve as launch stations from which we can go to MARS!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/space/solarsystem/mars/index.shtml~ incase that interests you even more.
Avi's griping.. he's making an entry in here after aaaaaages.....
bt yes.. sanjana n babs.. if either of u read it.. please jes go make casual talk wit him.. jes how are u avi, wt's been happening.. then beginning and the end..
i wrote some mean things today.. to bth him n this gal whose name i dun even knw..bt she sounds lost.. in her own emotions.. seems like a nice person who just can't be politically correct.. like in one of the replies to her commentary section she says.. i'm good to everyone, even black ppl.... which offended me, bt didn't at the same time..
wt i wrote...
hello!!! I'm blog hoppin.. and i was wondering whether it's she that is obsessed with the bf or you that is obssesed with ur bf.. cz really no one should be able to steal ur bf if he loved you.. and another thing,
the whole 'malay' attack.. it's racist, and i could call u slit eyed or flat nosed,yellow skinned, straight haired, ugly,single lidded fat bitch and that wouldn't be right now would it? So it seems childish that in ur anger u seem to have resorted to something so trivial showing ur stupidity, and yes i can call u that, because u've shown it right here in the post.
I don't even feel like supporting u because u disgust me, jes in the way u've put ur points down.. and ur issue with her and her religion.. why should it be any of ur business? And who ever it is ur fighting far, ur so called bf.. he's innocent? And is he worth it? Do u know if u love this guy and more importantly does HE LOVEs YOU?
Cz if he does, there shouldn't be anything for u to bitch about, and i'm sure ur a nice person.. something like this, frankly speaking, makes me want to find u and slap u because it's not rite. It's nt a threat, i'm jes sayin that it's STUPID and spells LOOSER. And please, do not misunderstand me, i knw matters of love can be complicated, bt there's a way to handle it, and sentences like, 'is it that all MALAY have this kida Bitching attitude' is jes DUMB. LOOSER. STUPID.
And on the other hand, nice meeting u and please, take care cz u seem to need some help.. and do drop by and feel free to pass ne comments on my blog. tats!
it was a bit strong bt was just mad that people like this still existed. Like the owner at Sujan's new place, who said, make sure other religious statues do not come into this house because it's been blessed by the lord, or the gal at asra's college who said south indian ppl looked dirty because of their skin colour.. what? IN this world of modernity? Yes, especially in this world of modernity. Is it so difficult?
19 September 2005
can't find shoes... tried midvalley n pyramid n one utama... and the saddest thing is tht i kept forgetting to bring my dress.. so i kept forgetting the colour.. so ya.. dreams come true after all huh.. this is sadness.. and stressfullness,...
dun think i have visited so many malls in my life at one go..for one elusive thing... i'm dying... and it'll be a real surprise if i look like ne thing at all.. on ball nite... bt then again, i'm dressing for myself rite.. hell yea... =(
on issues seperate.. need to remember resolves...
one, please control the green-ness of emotions.. i have to.. for the sake of living n well.. having wt is precious not precariously floating about u, away frm u.. u have to be, i have to be
two, believe in what u preach, no really i have to listen to myself more often.. or rather jes listen more often
three, risks are fr things that can be risked..
four, jumping the drowning boat does not mean that u will be rescued..
five, pushing ppl of the sinking boat does not mean u will be saved while they perish.. a really light loaded ship will still sink.. mind u that u are not a weight that u cannot carry urself..
i'm talking gibberish, i am aware.. bt it makes sense to me.. i knw.. i sound like yoda i think... restless minds wander.. minds with aims wander..
A FALCON AFTER A WAR LIKE CRANE WILL SUFFER A LIFETIME OF PAIN
the elusive, the nirvana, the golden fleece.. precious goals and aims, unattained.. leave nothing to be desired bt the desired itself...
17 September 2005
broke quite a few virginities last nite.. had wt i would call my first ladies' nite out... i mean that in a proper way.. small group of significance..small tiny lil bar.. older men everywhere...a small teeny bit of uncovered space (uncovered meaning by tables and what not).. squeezing into that space, dancing arnd all the men... ha ha.. went to karma fr the first time.. was not drunk at a sayfol gig for the first time...
now that is something that i would never be happy with doin.. especially when i can say that there wasn't ne guys with us for so called 'protection'.. bt essentially it was all good in the hood, we had the school crew arnd.. balraj baleh baleh-ing arnd.. raben i think cn do a pretty good imitation of of a rapper.. esp wit his lil cap... arasan..posing a danger to us more thn protecting us.. bt in that, he did keep the sleazier guys away i suppose... rajiv in his lil corner.. havin fun his way...fadzli left early.. bldy grounded biatch that he is.. alisha n bf.. who's name i keep frgetting disappeared along with tun n radit.. that was the nite..
n it was a fun nite.. good clean fun.. good clean dhurty dancing.. oxy moron thrown rite in ur face there..miss my small nite outs actually.. amongst so many other things, i realized that sometimes.. when the social crowd gets larger.. u kind of forget all the lil things that makes u love ur frens jes that lil extra bit more.. all of them.. and for those who've been wit u for ages.. u love em all the same.. cz they know u.. sort of ne ways.. ;)
Happy birthday rajiv
happy birthday asra
happy birthday mariyam
bye bye yamin... u will be missed... and daym i wish the last time that i saw u wasn't in rainforest of all the places.. good luck to u and all the best wit ur music...
thanks babs, dd n asra.. fr last nite.. he he he
And to the man who made a bet on our combined ages.. seriously.. u owe us teq shots.. U HEAR!
16 September 2005
I just want him to say... i'm ur canoscope, and ur my electric cable of luuurve.... suga... *sigh* smart asses cn sound so HOT.
13 September 2005
Ok.. men are of two types, the pushovers- that you can appeal with you apparent 'innocence' (ha ha) or the sort that are mean- regardless of your sex.. bt at the end of the day they are human.
The past week there have been all sorts of 'men' on my mind..
- boyfriends and ex's who beat their girlfriends up.. i think i went into a mini-shock yesterday when someone asked a girl friend where she got the bruises on her arms from and whilst anyone could see that she was tempted to make excuses, gladly, she didn't. It scared me, becz i've always looked at her as a pillar- not a pillar of support or so called moral strength bt a steady pillar that stands the heaviest of weights. And if she can fall, to the temptation of so called love, then really, what's to say of ne one of us? So i didn't say anything, bt asked her wt she'd done. She said she took pictures, i told her pictures mean nothing unless it's been reported.. if nt to the police (because that is what love does to you~ they might want to hurt you, bt u never want to do it back to them, because you know how much it hurts) then the NGOs running around. The Malaysian police mite be think they're useless bt it's something.. some sort of validation to being a woman, and an abused woman at that.
- Mr Lyon~ he's a specimen, really. I'm feeling guilty, in some sort of screwed up manner, i think i'm taking advantage of him. He's such a pushover that it's nt even funny.. "Mr Lyon, I haven't passed up my work (which was due much earlier in the first place), I'll pass it up on Friday ok." And he nodded n told everyone else of the latest deadline. Reminds me of Dr Jega, and now, today to a certain extent, Mr Michael.. even that dude that everyone feared, Mr Kingsley.. i don't know why i get away with things like that, is it because i'm a girl? or they're just nice?
There, the two prototypes having been presented.. there's only one key difference between the two types. Your emotional connections between the two.. no body can take advantage of you, unless you let them. With regards to the ex's.. loving them still, is compromising yourself, maiming yourself into vulnerability.. why? Or rather why still? It doesn't only mean boyfriends.. could be ne one, doesn't even have to be a man.. could be a father, a mother, a relative, a shop keeper.. because once 'love' inserts itself in as the adjective next to the word.. everything changes.. and in those changes, may i say, as impossible as it may sound, that it is vital to feel the ground, to know what you are made of and what you are not.
- another friend is going to get married. This one to a much older man, according to the rumor mill. No one has any right to judge, yes? I agree, wishes to you too Debbie. But in all honesty, i truly hope that it will be worth it.
And one more thing.. ha ha.. i do sound so aunty today.. Eminem's Superman.
I know what you want to hear..."I think I love you baby", I think I love you too.
They call me superman, i'm here to rescue you. I want to save you girl, come be in Shady's world
Yes, when it's unfair to put women into moulds, how is it fair to put men into moulds only then complain about the way they treat us?
Superman ain't savin' shit, girl you can jump on Shady's dick
Puss blew out, poppin' shit, wouldn't piss on fire to put you out. Am I too nice, buy you ice, bitch if you died, I wouldn't buy you life....
ha ha. Well, i think it's a nice song, esp to give womyn a kick up their arse. Why? Only because, we think like that. WE might be independant, bt WE all want to be saved. WE get depressed, when no one is arnd.. assuming having ppl arnd is what life is abt. Is it really? WE get 'lonely'. WE want someone opening the door, even though WE can open it ourselves.
Women's Aid Organisation
P.O. Box 493, Jalan Sultan46760
Petaling Jaya, Selangor Darul EhsanMalaysia.
Tel. +60 3 7956 3488
Fax. +60 3 7956 3237
10 September 2005
Went out last nite.. bangsar it was, castle it was again...
merdeka nite being the last time i went there, then before that again wit jiv n lisha, then before wit the crew frm school.. too many times.. way too many times..
had me drink, then went on dancing... spun out of control into cockpit with DD, ran out at the crazy frog song.. then we spun into absolute.. out at crazy frog song.. then rox.. danced like maniacs to la tortura...
we've been dancing to that the whole of this week... ever since i got it frm babs... rox has an interesting concept now.. leaves everywhere.. flower petals on the steps up.. flowers hooked on the stair railings.. coconut leaved-roof-bar.. nice indian gal, plaited hair, big smock sorta thing over blue jeans.. dancin to la tortura- el kampung style.. DD n i had a laugh after wit Izwan back at castle.. jes in time for.. the crazy frog song..
we din wanna leave so we put our hands up in the air ne ways.. and feng tau-ed.. shake head shake head... then to satisfaction... then to i will survive.. then head banged to bon jovi's it's my life with kareem (new fren of the nite)... with the doped/dazed/sad b'day boy sleep walking arnd club..
sweating we went to mamak.. nirvana maju--where i went on merdeka, then the nite wit lisha n jiv, then the nite wit the sayfol crew~ i see a pattern, ne one else see a pattern? Saw Nik.. running arnd.. happy high.. came over fr a bit.. started givin us a lecture on the importance of being good children, the mutton chronicle, (this exuberant display of energy expanding to conversations with the neighbouring tables to ask them if they agreed that DD was fucking arnd)..
i had my head on the table with laughter, while DD nodded n said in a quiet voice that she was gonna cry soon.. Izwan came arnd and ferried us back home.. jes before when Nik was running along back to his mamak.. he bumped into more of his kind (the we are happy high n drunk n wanna make frens with the world) appt frm sunway.. they started up chatter.. got into the car glad that he made frens this time... and did not insist on being stubborn n telling em he did not knw em.. as he was in the mamak earlier.. insisting he wanted to pay for ice kosong tht he din even drink.. ahhhh... drunkards...
Gt up to watch cricket match at 8.. ran off to see Sujan attempt to play.. din end up doin that.. it was pleasant weather so i sat on the grass under a tree, and read.. smoked.. had water.. the chronicle of a death foretold...enjoyed myself in a way that i haven't ages.. the quiet solitude of the trees.. and well there were cricket/tennis balls zoning arnd in various directions arnd me.. bt so wt reminded me of schooll.. either ways.. must hit the books now.. get back to sync wit the world of academia..
07 September 2005
either ways ruined someone's surprise.. i din mean to.. bt really wt the hell.. i cudn care less, i din mean to.. so if offense is taken.. to the wall u will speak...
Apart from than that, i feel like i have one foot in the air, while the other stays on the board from which if i leapt, it would be a fall hard enough to nt only knock the breath out of me bt the life too... teetering on the edge of things, trying not to succumb to the extreme irritation that i feel inside..constantly nagging at me and pestering me, fighting the urge to scream at the nearest person to annoy me in the slightest way...
I did that today, sorry Fikri.. he was presenting and he was clicking his pen at the same time, prb because he was nervous or like me edgy.. i put my hand up, whilst he was still on his presentation mode standing there under the air cond blowing at him and his messed up hair (that i can't seem to shut up abt either) , and told him to stop clicking his pen it annoyed me, always been a lil pet peeve of mine.. whilst i would have other wise waited for him to eventually stop it.. today the noise seemed to echo in my hollow sleep deprived head.. (((((((((()))))))))))))))))
Bt apart frm that.. it's been the usual ball talk.. swift forth swift out... working on a story board.. it's exciting to use my non-existent drawing skills to produce a short film of sort.. un chien andalou.. i feel absurd.. i wanna reproduce the absurd.. the question now~
art imitates life or life imitates art?
06 September 2005
Emotionally taxing and bodily tiring..
I wanna put my feet up on the table, n say, "hey! How's life today? I'm doin great"
Bt instead i say, "wt's new?"
The brunt of sarcasm borne by the cynic is harmful to even the pessimist in that person.
Everyone can be independant, bt it's nice to just unload everything onto a cart and send it on the fast track to kingdom come.
Like i've said, damn Cinderella, n Snow White n all the others.. those that made me want 2 and those that make me find 1 unnaturally displeasurable...
But, it only makes u stronger.. wt do they say again? pave the roads today, to walk on tommrow.
- back pack: First stop: Indochina (thanks to Ray)
- swim in a volcanic crater(albeit the much preferred backstroke)
- visit antartica (imagine the concept of no noise)
- back pack: the rest of the world
- back pack: the amazon
- become an astronaut
You can keep ur money, keep ur buildings, keep ur gold, keep ur material possesions, keep you r morals, your ethics, your chivalry, your sexuality..
give me that tiffanys n gimme the world.. my footprints all over.. is all i want..
gimme stone beds, gimme a dime's grub... gimme wt ever bt most of all gimme the right to walk all over you.
It is better after all to have lived, loved n lost it all... than to have not done any at all.
The inside of my mind.. carve out a path if you will..
That's an amazing pic i think! Either ways.. there's nt much to write in here.. just been work n work.. a movie here and there and more work.. someone told me the semester is soon to come to an end.. how appropriate though.. ha ha it hasn't even started and we're stuffed with the end.. one more sem left.. argh.. to make it to what is called popularly the life of the graduate.. joy!
Apart from that.. i realized how entangled things can get when ur close to it.. repeat it enough number of times, and then you realize that really, everything when repeated again n again have the effects of dissipiating into nothing..nothingness... breaking up letter for letter.. making no sense.. he he it's all absurd as they say..
I shall shut up.. try to get back into bed to relieve myself of this apparently self induced bt nt really, insomnia... bt its more climatic thn havin ne thing to do wit will power.. simply put.. it's just too hot to enter my room.. *shrug*