30 June 2005

Similies& Thoughts

Like the rays of sunlight that creep into ur room when all u want is darkness, these strange thoughts run arnd

Like random particles in Brownian Motion, i bump into the strangest collection of people who mite or mite nt matter

Like salt on a bitter wound, that stings and helps heal, ur distance away from me help soothe alleviations of fear and hope

Like tangled hair after a late evening car ride, i cling onto the hanging threads that threaten to weave themselves into a cloth like dream

That threatens to cover the cilli like synoptic pragmatic threads that line the inside of my brain, forming a sheet of phelgm called fantasy

29 June 2005

Best of you~ Foo Fighters

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of
you?Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your
noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give inI refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

28 June 2005

In and Out

Well hot malaysian afternoon after, things are crumbling from the heat, from the pressure. There's not many people around campus still, and the new semester might see many changes. Tsun, u mite be coming back.

Aniket writes this: I am out of town for the next two days. I just wanted to be away from the world. Hope to see you when i get back. Sorry for leaving my phone off yesterday..

We're all on the run away frm those that we knw. WE dun not want to knw them ne more, bt more like, we want time out. We don't want to remember them but for 2 days. I've quit smoking... ha ha smoked one yesterday tho, but i suppose it takes a smoker to knw how profound that is. Or maybe, we're all just bored. Bored with the want to do other things, except there's not much to do. i want to go back home, only because that's always where i want to go, when things get a little bit complicated on this end.

I thought maybe today is a good time to write a tributary for all those who have left. There is no reason for me to be acting so pessimistic, in the age of digital communication, communication is easy which only takes effort. I knw that. I do really. But.

Jonathan: i'm numb.
Mansi: he's numb.
Dev: We all knw ur nt here. bt it hasn't hit us yet.
Jane: i feel like i'm loosing u. Mentally this time.
Tsun: no, things will never be the same again.
Laksa: no more tamil movies till the hols huh.

A big bite of the apple chewn out, the worm wanders on, in and out of the holes that it's making. It doesn't knw that the apple's soon to get rotten, for if it doesn't conserve, before the taste of apple grows sick on its taste buds, the apple will no longer be around.
But the worm doesn't knw that the onus is on it to conserve, believing some magical force called FATE will direct change and action.

FA= God of Destiny
FATE= Destiny

And so it weaves on, in and out. In and out. In and out.. it weaves on, blind to the catastrophe it itself is voluntarily suscribing itself to.

27 June 2005

On the day itself

Am 20 now and high on beer baby... i've decided that i love this drink.. he he

thanks to all the people who made it a fun day... u knw who u guys are

more than that, one of the things that got solved today mostly was a) thank u for understanding wt i wanted frm wt we have, i am so glad. To be honest, it's saddening bt welcoming at the same time.
Tsun: thanks for coming back baby. I needed to see a fresh face.
Kenneth: why? Thanks dude, colour brother.. he he

Sigh... spent it in the appt most of the day, realized that the inner things in life have to be clean before the things on the outside can be kept clean... and well, u knw...days aren't special because they're special, they're special when the ppl that u love the most are arnd u..

jane u were missed.

sabitha=2o... mite as well start counting the wrinkles now huh ;)

24 June 2005

For the 20th year

A man has a man... a woman as a woman... and in this they belong.

BELONGING... what the fcuk is that?

Lets talk fragmentation.... we are fragmented like thoughts that spring in and arnd and in and arnd.. this is what i am.. i am...

still struggling to find and figure myself
i say to love... 'leave me alone. A little while longer'
I am blocking so many things right now
like u leaving..
like him and his talk..
my own expectations of wt i want in Him...
Ignoring.. blocking.. numbing..

reducing.. and i'm not growing...

it's gonna be 20 time soon...
i knw it's not much of a difference...

big 20 n where do i place myself?
i thought i would have more to say abt myself now..
in this i think that when i was younger still i had more of an idea of where i was goin

my dreams.. getting shot on BBC
ha ha ha
i'm still a kid

still a kid who's tooth is being pulled out without ne intention of it being given away..

i got jealous today
at that soft toy..
i want one too..
from who tho..
and why?

I wanna own a restaurant
plan my own house
live wit a dog, a reptile and fish in the pond
my house is to have a pathway
and i want the path to have rose bushes
pink and red button roses
i want my house small..
a studio appt
that has a pathway
it's unrealistic
bt i want it

I don't want to have ne one
ne one who comes brings so much more
much more on this load called life that i'm allready carryin
i dun want him
i dun want Him
i dun want ne one
i think that i can bring more on my own to myself

poetry of life
my life
un rhyming
un metered
it's a poor imitation of poetry
bt a pretty dam straight depiction of me
there is no structure
there is no hope
and i'm sinking
like water down the sink

drifters
lone drifters
broken scuba board
ocean arnd
waiting to be rescued
no one arnd

makes me wonder
if there was someone who extended their arm to me right now
would i take it
i wouldn
cz i wanna be me
wit my dreams
and my house
and my life
it's sad
bt true

19 June 2005

Wandering Mind, Lost spirit ;)

time turns arnd and gives my ass a kick.. that is if what i predict is true, and hopefully, ha ha for once i am wrng.

you never knw how much u feel for someone, until ur put in a position where you have to choose between two.

you never knw how to explain to urself the reason behind the choice, because it's nt that u've chosen wrong.

Just that u aren't happy wit what u have, and when it comes to love, that's a scary thought cz it's nt that u dun love

What u have wit u, just that u also love the other, and that returns like the uncanny to be placed at the back to

haunt. It's nt pleasant bt am i fool to think that it will be pleasant? I'm nt. And i will nt allow myself this blow, not again, not ever.

And choosing if for those who have a choice. i don't.

18 June 2005

WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BABY
EXAMS
ARE
OVER Y"ALL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I LIKE!

16 June 2005

Well, haven't had a decent entry in here the past week... the last one holds strong to the title...
the exams abound.. holler over like dark clouds, bt that's the last thing on my mind as my 'friendster' b'day day finishes strong wit quite a few believing and trust, accusatory messages frm those who knw, and congratulatory messages frm those who don't... and i realize that even imaginary b'days are fun.. mebbe that's what i'll do, have a personal b'day where i can do what i want and have a public one where i entertain those at the outer rim of my social circle... a fancy thought, if only it were plausable...

the past couple of days have been rather traumatic, i would like to believe that there are not many who are happy at this point of time. I slept early last nite, at ten..the first time in a long time and i realized that my body seemed to think that there was something wrong with me because i got up at 2, 7 and well now i'm up.. was up at 9.. because it wasn't used to it.. the sadness of the situation as it were was the fact that i could hear my roomate sniffling in the background... sometime last nite i woke up and heard her crying to her bf.. i dunno what happened, i dun think i want to know what happened... bt i am concerned.. seen her cry three times this week alone, and i am powerless to do anything for her.. the last time that i thought i got one thing settled, bt another one started, with another housemate... and yesterday i was confronted with her crying to me in the kitchen

at my wits end at all that has been happening the last couple of days i found myself unsympathetic to her crying, mumbling out what ever i've been telling my roomate to her monotonously, and she said thank you and seemed to think i was an angel.. i just continued chopping my garlic, made my fried rice, ate and went to bed...

got into bed.. another housemate came in proclaiming to hate the appt... i nodded to myself..sleeping soon... to be awakened by sniffling... eventually got up.. went into DD's room at eight.. an hour ago.. to use the net for a bit... to have her wake up a couple of mins later breathing hard... and i realized how unprepared i was to handling someone with an asthma attack..so i continued typing into the comp while she handled her breathing with a bravery that would have been lacking in me and made me cry... cz i knw that's what i am when it comes to my health... i cry...like i did and have dramatic nick names like.. the hark calls that which is to go to heavan soon... and delay my doc visit to live in paranoia...

and now i shall study... had my morning coffee. my ciggie. and time to study.
before my exam... which is abt three hours away.
wish me luck.
who ever it is.
because my muscles are taut and unwilling to care at this point in time.
i am nt even stressed out.
bad.
bye.

04 June 2005

Sapien Whining

I am sick of the homosapien race. Please make me not belong to this one... composed by a bunch of sexually driven idiots... ugh ugh ugh...
the rare case of love in a passage, indecipharable, to an idiot

03 June 2005

Like a straight line needs a ruler...

I see this.... a mass of unknwn faces and a person I knw. i see mc donalds and a culture i am alien to. In a nutshell, a foreinger and a quasi, and in this valley we are stuck. Between to mountains of philosophy and 2 mountains of thought, we are stuck.

We are by right no different from eachother, but how four different and difficult years shaped our minds is a thing yet to wonder. If in life, change is the only thing that is constant then why are our thoughts not changin on par.

There are compromises that people make, judgements that people talk of, bt while we would ideally wash it all off, we cannot baby, and we can't think that we can either.

We don't think because we cannot think. We cannot be because we are not allowed to be. We cannot change the rules because they make the world go round and round.

But is that really true, because i dun knw about u bt for me, i dunno how bad i want this really.
I dunno but i dunno if this is what is supposed to happen.
I dun think that i can do all this and still be the same person that i am.
I dun think i can go through all this and still be the one to love you the way i want to love you.

And if the window shuts and blocks out all the wind, then i wonder if it means that it's the end of ends, and the end that i still wait for and want in some weird way. For now i don't just want you, i need you. Like a straight line needs a ruler.

Like a piece of cotton in wind...

spun arnd like a piece of thread... curved inwards and outwards around and around... my disease, my addiction..

01 June 2005

Dawn

Dawn

They said he was special, everyone he knew. He survived. But he didn’t feel it, not while sitting in this freezing cold room, waiting for the cop who brought him in to verify his details wondering at the fate of his friend.No, he decided, he did feel different.I felt it earlier.

Just before he got caught. It was a short burst of uniqueness that he had cherished for one moment before it stopped when he’d started speeding up. For a short minute, a short short minute he’d felt the world around him move about him faster. His car had started vibrating, and for a minute, a short short minute, the world outside the windows grew streaked. It became a series of streaks, streaks of various colours, highlighted by the setting sun. Like cloth that was stared at for too long, so you could see the individual threads that made up colour. The city that he had grown up in had changed into a pastiche.

As the white car ripped along the empty highway, a police station nearby was notified of a missing car. ‘A white 1983 Mitsubishi. Licence plate WMB 4332,’ the cop on duty was told. It was a woman; she had spoken in quick short breaths. He had a strange order when it came to asking questions.Was she harassed? NoWas she assaulted? NoWas she threatened? No.Was she around when the car got stolen? No Sangkarra continued speeding. His car had now grown lighter, he could feel the wheels float slightly, and the speed dial was rapidly rising. He was flattered by the fact that his car seemed to be in such good condition, she was fired at the speed not grunting.

Somewhere at the back, empty bottles of beer cheerleaded. The sun in front was a crimson red, a perfect circle. And that was when he remembered strangely enough, that he was soon to encounter a traffic light. It was where he took his turn to go home, and as the dial continued to rise, he realized that trying to stop would be as dangerous, if not more, as taking that turn. Stopping then, had not been an option that he’d considered. Imagine that turning, the speed, burning rubber, the noise!

Somewhere though, he prayed the light was green. And green it wasn’t. He braced himself, with a firm grip of the steering; he turned the steering rapidly anti-clockwise. Having nearly covered the turning with inches to spare, his sigh of relief nearly half way out, he realized that there was another car. Another car, flying straight at him.

Unnerved, finally by just everything, he screamed.

I’ve never done that before. Never been that, that person that I became when I screamed. The wheel was let go of. And I left it to fate, so the wheel spun. What? What happened? Rajini happened. It takes a second to fall in love, a glance, a first sight. And well, that day it took a second to break my heart; a face, a tear and a sorry excuse.

No excuse can cushion the pain that is easy to feel when it comes to heart break. The fact that she was leaving and didn’t think that we could make do with long distance didn’t do anything to lighten the hurt. That and the fact that she’d been my girl friend for a year, and that one hand would be enough to count all the times we’d had a fight. She never argued, except for that day. She’d never judged something before it was proven.

So with her hand on mine she said, “We need to do this so that there isn’t anything that can tie us back. If I left and we were meant to be in love and do something to hurt you, you would never forgive me. I’d rather this than that.” And she left. Left me before I could say a thing, it was decided for me.

I ran after her, only to have her walk into her brother’s car, and with the wind in her hair and her tears drying quick on my shoulder, she left.Just about then he received a phone call. And he murmured a yes, an evening out with the guys. He put his jacket on, the one that he wore before games, called it his good luck jacket. Zips it up tight, and runs to his parked car. He slams the door and rips out onto the road.

He pulled over to an array of cars arranged messily. Right above them, the seven eleven sign spotted the night in its flicker. He parked his car and walked cautiously over to the trio sitting on the pavement with cans of beer. Remnants of what had been neatly arranged six-pack beers in packaged cardboard boxes lay strewn in messy litter around the three, still guzzling the still cold beverages.

“Hey there Big Eleven!” hollered Fadi. His head covered in a fisherman’s cap, his clothes hanging on him loosely, he hardly looked like the MVP who saved the team an ass whooping in the basketball game that they had played earlier in the day. Sangkarra responded with a wave, while Kiran and Bobby nodded a reply.

Big Eleven, Big Eleven…. My number didn’t give us any luck that day. We lost, right before we made it to season playoffs, we lost. Big Eleven me, I couldn’t do anything to give us the chance. And we kissed our chances goodbye, with the last three pointer from the other team.
Our cheerleaders shut up. Our crowd booed. The lights on the score board went out. Our coach looked down. We looked at each other looking for explanations. And that was that. An empty look meets an empty look. And we ushered ourselves off the court, into the locker rooms and out the college gates. In shame we separated.

And Rajini had chosen to happen. Her thirty seconds of fame, the cherry topping for boiling ice cream. Contempt breeds contempt, love breeds hate and well, when shit happens, it doesn’t drizzle, it rains.
That’s when Bobby pulled out a joint. I don’t remember when but we were all pretty buzzed from the alcohol so it must have been a while later. And yes, we should’ve known better but well, we didn’t. He said he’d gotten it off one of the seniors after the game, not that we cared then. It was later, it became vital that we had to recollect that piece of information.

Three joint buds down the smelly drain later, we were talking. And as far as talking went, it might as well have been some emotional outpour. Guys don’t say things like they love their mates until they ingest something. Either that or they’re gay. And it was Kiran who whined out the magic word, ‘hot wire.’

And we walked the yellow light lit road, staggering along like dizzy cockroaches after a spray of inseciticide, contemplating the revelation that Kiran could hot wire a car. Something you’d never know about a person whilst running around the court. It was Bobby who said something like, “I bet you’re kidding us you shit. You wouldn’t be driving that shit if you were some big blob.”
I still had the stench of the drain in my nostrils, it was stagnating there, my nostrils picking it up and maturing it like wine, stemming thoughts of where the drain emptied out and whether distillation really worked.

Fadi started singing, whilst Kiran pulled Bobby aside and said something pointing out to a yellow/white Mitsuibuishi, parked precariously next to a lamp post.
Fadi continued singing and walking, while I contemplated the water content of the beer I had been drinking and its purity level next to him. About ten minutes later, the Mitsuibuishi sped right next to us.

“Get the shit in dudes, this blob pulled it off!”
“Jesus, Bobby, what the shit?” from the interrupted singer.
In the distance a woman yelled. And a car started. We had to get out of there soon, so Fadi and I jumped into the rear.
“No man! This is crazy!” protested Fadi as they sped away into the alley that they’d turned into. The intial shock of the action had just worn off on the two in the rear of the car. In the front, Bobby was having the time of his life, his window half down and his mouth busy screaming obscenities at the silent audience.

The window turned down, and his head half out. The wind blew in, and the rose scented car absorbed the precious fusion of polluted city air, sweat, beer and nervousness.
The car sped along the roads of Kuala Lumpur. It was very rare that anyone in the city encountered such abandonment of the roads but in the middle of the night. Like the balls of a maze game, they cruised in and out in the meandering roads. It was a while before the gravity of the situation hit everyone else but Fadi. He had remained squirming in the back seat unable to enjoy the ride.

“Where the heck do we leave the car man?” Kiran said.
“In the alleyways, those abandoned areas. That’s the right place man, the car might look out of place but, it should take a while to be found. How about Chow Kit?” Sangkarra offered.
Fadi, his hand continuously running through his hair, his eyebrows cocked up was revealing more of his dotted face than he normally did. He said ‘finger prints.’ They ignored him.
“And how are we meant to get back from Chow Kit?” Kiran.
“Get one of them women who stay there to give us a lift on the way to the next customer,” Bobby kidded.

“Listen, ass wipe. We could be arrested!” shouted Fadi. Bobby shut up. He pulled out yet another joint. Surprised, they all held out their hands in eagerly.
Ofcourse, that makes no sense. But we did. It was the night, it had made us all more willing to dare than we otherwise were. Taking in the last drag, I offered my car. But we had to return to the scene of the crime. So why don’t we just return the car? Fadi wanted to know. It would be too dangerous I said. To be caught in the act of returning was unpardonable. If we were going to get caught. There were better ways to do it, like giving the cops a chase.
And we retraced our steps, took the back roads, and got my car off the front of seven eleven. Plan executed to perfection, I dropped the guys off at seven eleven again so they could get their cars and make their way back home.

So when the same car came in the opposite direction, it did not make any sense. That which had been left behind had returned. Materialized to haunt and feed of the fear that I thought that I’d left behind.

That night left me with stitches, and a bad bruise on my head, physically. My baby car was smashed beyond recognition. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes when I see the pictures of the wreckage. The most important thing though, was Bobby. Fadi and Kiran faced rehab, I had a two year prison sentence. Bobby’s parents didn’t see it fit for us to attend his memorial, neither did the law.

For the longest time I believed that I killed him. I knew what he was like. It only made sense that he’d go back and try the trick on the car himself. The day could’ve been forgotten, been just another bad day. Instead I still remember. Pain comes to everyone, pain like this, to those who pave the road for it.

I lost a lot that day, and it’s taken me a lifetime to heal the wounds. And I know now, no matter how bad things can get, they can always get worse.