29 March 2006


Went for my first play yesterday.. absurd theatre's always been life threatening to me. And well, that's all i want to say about the play.. unles i ought to mention that the director looks very young. But apart from that, the night was good after being lost in the Kl's maze-roads.. we got there just in time to be warned by the steward of the night.. telling us that the play's gonna start soon and we ought to run for it..

craned in the back row to see the actors on stage.. i just kept staring at the lights.. there are so many of them and they'd have to work so diligently to know which room is lit when.. but then again, that's probably what rehearsals are for.

Dinner then followed at eleven, at Murni in SS2.. such a girly nite.. lemme repeat girly girly nite.. and for once it didn't mean Ladies Night in some club. Looking forward to more plays.. just need the company.. I have one, and then i have another.. and then one more.. if i alternate them carefully hopefully none of em will get sick of plays or me for that matter...

23 March 2006

Limbo land with a buch of Clowns

It's been an interesting bunch of weeks.

Highlights would include Ethnic Jazz (and yes i coined this myself as to my knowlege NO ONE HAS COINED BEFORE). The Gambus, an instrument that I've never encountered.. or rather the name I've never encountered, but the twangs or rather the timbre of the instrument strikes a very sensual chord.. consquently I describe the concert that I went to as highly sensual and very sexy. As I commented to those who were there, I'd love to take the percussionist and lock him up in my wadrobe. Feed him biscuits slid under the door, and never let him out. A cd with the gambus playing, and the drummer in the wadrobe and I have my arabic-mexico right in my room.

A-part from that, it's been a sodding couple of weeks as everyone in class with me undergoes a reconstruction class on the essence of sexuality. And the essence of those very sexual beings who call themselves lesbians, queers, gays, transexuals, intersexed or bizexual.. I am not that exotic.. I buy into Beauty and the Beast and their heterosexual love ideology. To suggest I am anyother however doesn't bother me, SEXUALITY IS FLUID. But I am comfortable being just a woman, just in love with a man, just wanting to get married and just willing to conform.

As Sharon asked today, how many of us wear lace? ha ha Last week it was, how many of us thought sex was a power struggle. Every week a new hurdle to jump over, everyweek a new box to get into.. challenging the very floor on which we stand, she says. If we could float, we don't need the floor.. but can we float?

A-long with that,let me add that sexuality ought to be rethought but it ought not be the central focus of our lives. What makes it powerful? Why such an obsession with our sexual organs.. it feels good? So does touching velvet, I don't see a school of finger studies sprouting out somewhere. Maybe it's because our organs hold the basis of our existence, the power of procreation. And because this procreative aspect has been chocolate coated in stories of love. But sometimes, I wonder are we reading too much into something. Almost like saying Beauty and the Beast should be banned because it promotes love affairs with animals. ha ha.

How about this little suggestion- why not we just go on as we are. Let the bridges burn as we cross them, let's move forwards. And in moving forwards, let's discard all that we are not comfortable with- if it's sex and sexuality, fine dump it out the window. If its religion, fine, chuck into the bin. Some of us may choose to run across those burning bridges, some of us may choose to walk the way, it doesn't matter. As long as we dare to cross the bridge, and we move forwards, we take the first step into that bridge and keep walking forwards.. as long as we're doing that, and let the bridges of the past burn but not be forgotten, there's no way we could ever be wrong. What's that anyways, right and wrong? Black and white? Bloody hell, as Tsun exclaimed yesterday, it's all bloody gray.

13 March 2006

On a day like this...

Sweat sweat sweat.. all that's there anymore, sweating till the sun goes down and sweating when it comes up.. and we chose to sweat even after.. sweating.. wipe wipe wipe.. swabbing tears and absorbing blood.. afterall who said the night was clean.. binarisms.. good and bad, the day and the night..

spendin the night in someone else's bed.. :)

08 March 2006


U know know in ur heart that they're nice, but everything and everyone tells u otherwise. And sometimes, just those rare moments, i think thoughts that are unkind, that suggest that maybe everyone else is right.

And it's wrong, because no one needs or deserves to be judged.

They might judge you but u may not judge them, because to become someone you dislike is to become some what lesser than what you yourself could be.

And that is what i do not want to do, so I apologize, i don't judge,

You may claim i'm being taken advantage off..

I may be

But to be lesser than what i can be, to loose respect for myself is worse for me..

than to be held by the neck by the hands of the cruel capitalistic exploiters

All at once, I am selfish, eager to be fed,
to suckle my own nipples, because all at once i am self made

I am mine alone, and I am I. And for that to be stolen, is greater a crime than any other
that i can think of.

06 March 2006

Holler Over

One of those things that are always gonna put a smile of my face is getting a mail from long lost friends.. or the ones who are not so lost just lazy.. but i'm not blaming them.. it seems to take me close to forever before i hit the reply button, and even longer to get the compose button.. thing.. button? *tripping*

And Andrea just sounded real excited sitting opposite me, "NETWORK'S BACK!"... see how important communication is.. one day of no Digi, and i freaked.. . i couldn't reach Bhav or Nik.. relying on Aaron's eye sight to find them, collectively collaborating to find the people we hold so close to us. Like i knew my mothers call would be the first to get my phone..and Jane calling me to tell me that my mother was trying to get to me.. how did Jane get to me, I wonder..

And what is it about mothers where they seem to pick the day the network stops (really, how rare does that happen) to get worried. I imagine my mother to be a little brown bee, buzzing around the glass window... the bee doesn't understand the concept of windows says Nik...so my mother doesn't understand the concept of how the network can be down. So when the window does open, she comes cascading through buzzing around my ears, and I swat her away.. thinking to myself, how insignificant her worries are.

But really, if it's so insignificant, why does it make me smile every time a friend from so far away, from so long ago pops right back into my life with an e-mail, a call or just a hello? Mothers have lived longer, they might not be up to date on the latest around the world, but when their world becomes us, they'd damned well like to know what's happening with us. Whilst it does freak me out, it's reassuring. Cause if no one called, if no one thought I was significant, then I wouldn't be.

02 March 2006


What is on my mind right now? I came up with the my definition of feminism in class today, and its on my mind.. as a friend referred to it as cunt studies.. and i got pissed off...-

* the ability for a man or a woman to do what they will without having gender restrictions or biases imposed on them.

So i wonder, where did all the bra burning fit in? Would i burn my own bra? I do not think that would serve me well, not atleast unless we're all allowed to run around bra less. In which case i'd be more than happy to burn mine along with the rest of the women around doing so.

where did male bashing come in? I like men. I think all women like men, and i guess some men like men too. We just don't like those men that think that it's ok to stroke a girls ass cz she's wearing a cute little skirt in a club, a bus stop or even in the temple. But when i say we, i say, us women and us men, men don't like men who do that too. So it's not us women versus them men, it's us non-pervs versus them perverts.

where did all the woman loving come in? I'm a woman and yes i like women, n i'm cool with women who really love other women, mother love or lover love. Up to you. But i'm not cool with women who are overly unconfident, who think their obesity is a reason to world bash and media bash. Neither am i ok with women who think their womanhood is more important than a man's manhood. If it's about equality, it's about fairness and compromise, both are important. And i'm not cool with women who think they're being feminist if they point out all the women who aren't. It's not a religion that everyone has to follow, it's a thought that u either think or you don't care about. I'm not a woman hater, i just dislike women who give women a bad name.

So, rethinking feminism, how many of us can really claim to be one? And how many of us can say we are not one. Personally, i think the lines are fading, and just because ur a man, it doesn't mean ur aren't one and being a woman doesn't mean ur are one either.

"Nothing contributes so much to tranquilizing the mind as a steady purpose-a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye."

- Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley