18 February 2005

One fell swoop....*swish*

18th Feb 05

Just got off the phone with Jane. I'm shaking. Spent most of today high from the lack of sleep and sad to say booze. Been eating real little, sporadic outbursts, been moody (Told Rekha Aunty's five year old that if he din shut up o'd push him into the drain and make sure he'd get flushed into the ocean which wudn be a good thing coz he doesn't knw how to swim)- and i don't normally say that to kids. All signs show that i'm officially depressed. And I feel so alone now. And i keep remindin myself that there are others but i knw the ppl that i want. One's gone and another on her way. And this is what we all want tho right? I'm scared tho that India is gonna happen all over again. I'll be fine...right? I'm gonna be oooold soon, i dun still need preppers true?

'In one fell swoop, all my chicks, my pretty little chicks, gone.'
I am convinced that U cudn have picked a better time to be upped and gone.

WILL STOP PITYING MYSELF AND GET ON WITHE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
(which is no life cz just going to wash my face and watch T.V.)

Oh and went to the temple. It was ok, could have been worse i guess. Realized i don't like to pray coz i dun believe I can ask God something like a kid would ask Santa for pressies. That's why religion doesn't work for me or rather one of the reasons it doesn't work.
Oooh...decided me and Jane are like deer, we jump into the road happy and in our own world of dreams, get stunned by the headlights of traffic and then get run over. I thought it a fitting comparison, definitely random! Arent deer eaten up?

13 February 2005

Valentine's Day

14th Feb 05

wow..been a year since Rishi. There's a very gentle wind blowing into my room but isn't doing much for the heat. I'm content to sit here nonetheless, with my fan off and feel the breeze, making me nostalgic nonetheless. Only realized it's valentine's day after sweetum jane messaged me to wish me- Happy Valentines to you too Jane! Avi should be on a plane right now, spending his valentines with the air stewardesses as he says. It's supposed to be a magical time isn't it? Where did valentine's day come from i wonder.

Obviously who ever marketed valentines is a good dude, his skills are phenomenal. And though it may simply be reduced to be a marketing gimmick, I cannot deny that it does seem magical. I remember walking through pyramid last year, I saw Thava running around looking for a dress for Rukshiela. And it's that, those actions that make valentine's day special. The desperateness that clings onto everyone in love to express it- i have a sadistic comparision to this desperateness- them lemmings that hunt for water so that they can jump into it and commit mass suicide every autumn- so yea, that would be my comparision.

I smile to myself, as i remember last year Pumpkin was the first to wish me- and me knowing that i wanted to spend the day with him more than anyone else, and now, a year later and i can't make up my mind on what i would ideally wanna do. I wanna be in jane's house having a fag, watching T.V. Maybe later go out for some food with good company, Toh should be there except she wouldn't; Asra(coz she doesn't believe in Val day), Jon (cz he's so comforting), Yamin (prb would have plans bt he can bring us some laughter) and that would be my day.

It is true, loneliness begs company, but more than that, i think it's simply the fact that this us is one 'celebration' that i can't be a part of, that's bugging me. I ought to be a part of this, shouldn I? I think one of my biggest problems could be that i do not like to be denied wt i want, and in return i never want what i don't think that i should/can have. ANd right now all i want is to be in K.L. Cz that's where things like Val day or Birthday becomes alive. Thats where i live, that's where lol my homies live and screw Val day, i just wanna live my day in K.L.

10 February 2005

Precision Plucking

Whoa -- you've got so much power surging through you that you could light up a city. Thank goodness you have a special companion who can act as a circuit breaker -- you supply the juice while they act as a grounding element. Go ahead and use your current electromagnetic resonance to its fullest extent without fear, however -- your buddy will also warn you if you're about to cause a brownout in the area. It's situations like this that remind you how lucky you are to have found each other.

that is sooo true innit? a hopeless godamned romantic where even a bloody friendster horoscope means something....ugh ugh ugh...bt ah as my 'man' would say...vhat the fack...

so.. out of ne thing interesting to say...except the pope is dead...been meaning to do this for awhile... well here goes...some extracts from my journal...

10th Feb 05'
I should be leaving in...well 2 weeks. Back to Uni. But for now i am a peeping...well, Tom-ness =). The reason being, well.. i peeped or rather looked out my window to witness precision plucking of a chicken. I call it precision plucking for it was done by the hand, there were actually 2 chikens- my imagination takes control when i say I believe one was a rooster. This is because, i couldn't see too well, it being early in the morning or rather 6 a.m. it was still darkand my neighbours(or the woman folk- neighbours) were all up plucking chicken. In the distant, someone was bursting firecrackersand as the mood sets in- HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! (lol) I was too busy sleeping through the whole of the first day, hence i report only for the second day.

Coming back, as it was dark, i couldn't see clearly and wonder if they'd actually killed the chicken themselves. This brings me to the next question of how one kills a chicken. Obviously, well, I would just throw a really huge stone on the chicken head once I've trapped it, except i think that that would be a result more of to get the chicken to shut up than out of a desire to eat the carcass.

Reminds me of the time in Taman Maluri, when Hemanth and i were playin with some chicks and the hen ran off with her other chicks and left the ones that we were playing with. WE couldn't locate the hen, so we thought we'd adopt them for a night and out a basket over them. They wouldn't shut up at all, and mummy got so irritated and annoyed that she abandoned them outside.

It's one of those stories where the ending is anyone's guess. I've always suspected that rather that the wandering chicks finding their gang, they fell prey to the alley cats that ran around causing a racket with their cat fights. Seems more likely to have ended that way.

So coming back to the chicken plucking, i dun think i've ever seen one manually plucked. One pull of afeather, one tuft of feathers. I think i may be able to do it, except for the bit where the lady took a knife and shaved the fine furry;feathery bits off like aman would shave his beard. I would prb just cut the neck off, makes more sense anyways; i never eat the neck and plus man, the neck doesn't have any skin on it for god sakes.

I have an obsession with dead flowers.
Jonny called which was good, I told him i'm ignoring Tsun's leaving, which is only one day from tommorrow. I know I can do it now, but not sure how long i can do it for. Have a strange feeling i'm gonna embarass myself sometime in the near future with a sudden bout of uncontrollable crying. Oh why is evryone leaving? Janey thank God you rooted, excuse my selfishness as as far as this is concerned. Jonny comforted me by saying that he might not be able to measure up to Tsun but he would try. I dun want anyone to measure up to any one, i just want the original, knee marked bitch called Toh Tsun Yee (Michelle...ewww). But she's on a voyage across the oceans to find herself so i shall wait eagerly with a white handkerchief at the port, so she can identify the thinner, hotter than before Sabi and 'anti-social skills' Jane when she returns. Mmmm...am in the mood for dramatism indeed.

And now the sun is up, seven something and I'm wondering again where i am gonna be in the future. Sing CHik called and ma wanted to knw if i would like to go to Rompin, i seriously dun mind going, should find out today!