29 October 2007

Saudade

So many times the people we love have said words can't express the way they feel about us. Yes, it is true. So many times we are limited by language, from expressing what we adaquately feel. We find it difficult to believe that the overwhelming emotion that we feel inside us can be measured and disseminated to others through just words.

And we actively insult the only means by which we say to those we feel strongly about, that we care and that we are there. It is about time we feel as we know, that while our communication skills may never measure up to our emotions, it is only through communicating we're ever going to sort out the breaks and gaps we know we have.

And when we cant find a word, lets borrow from the languages around us- they do perhaps emote better than the ones we use commonly. Like saudade- a portugese word to describe a longing for something that may never return, that we hope mindlessly will defy norm and return to us anyway.

It is not the same as nostalgia. It is not the same as missing something. It is longing, fatalistically and self destructively for the ones that you love to return to you. From their graves or the make shift graves they've dug themselves into.

If u understand, then its taken that I have communicated to you, how i really feel about you.

23 October 2007

Saudade

This is a poem I wrote for you, B. At a time when you were missed a lot. When you finish this, click on the hyperlink on the last word in the poem.


u are the darling sky, with your arms spread so wide.
u watch me, sun me and sometimes rain on me.

u are the ground i walk on, supporting me,
holding me, and when i fall on u, you only hurt me

u are the air i breathe, reaching into me so deep,
should you bring poison, i will die easily

u are the love i never thought i'd have,
and maybe the one i'll never have

but at night, when its so quiet,
ur the only person i think of

and i hope ur sting is gentler than your love.

18 October 2007

Stop crying your heart out

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared

You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

07 October 2007

Lessons

Its taken me long enough to put a post in here about anything in general. As an update, it's been a funny couple of weeks. Since I've returned, there's been a marriage, a death, two accidents, potentially two trips.. if u could squeeze that all into just over a month, you've borrowed a piece of my life.

I may be 22 in age, but when i recently went to visit a friend in the hospital, who had fractured and literally broken his feet from an accident, I realize that its the first time I'm visting someone I know at the hospital.. who isn't in there to have a baby. The last time I think I've even been to the hospital for a visit, was to accompany DD at UH, when her cousin had a bike accident. And i do not know how to handle someone else's pain, (it can be masked, offcourse). I could offer to fluff their pillows, or bring a fresh bottle of water, buy car/bike magazines... but I could not feel their pain. And it was worrying, it appears to me that the girl who used to cry from seeing starving children in the papers, has faded with time.

Looking at an uncle's dead body at a funeral, I've also come to realize the reason behind the notion of the spirit/soul. Or atleast, what I think the reason is. It's the glassy/waxy look of the dead body, (caused ofcourse through the natural process of the body shutting down). When the face of a living person who you may have seen last week, looks today, upon death, like the face of a doll. When it seems like something has left their body, because you can no longer relate to that which you see in the glass box. It seems almost like in death, the body becomes the cheap imposter of the person who lived. And without you realizing it, somewhere between the bridges of life and death, something's happened to this person that you once knew, and maybe loved, that you weren't there to witness. Something that you can see but can sense. What has happened, can be explained by your religion.. or if your not inclined that way, your good sound scientific judgement should help.

If anything, the last month has thought me one very important lesson. It's easy to say goodbye to other people. But it's not easy to forget them. To see the ones that they left behind. To see the people who come to see them, inquire off them. The ones that exploit the death/accident to propogate their causes.

And in all this sadness, you begin to wonder if, perhaps, pain is the currency with which we pay for our lives. And maybe, just maybe, we choose to actively defy what is true, by being happy. Engaging in disillusionment and faulty dreams, knowing full well that what's behind that door is going to take it all away from us forever.