30 August 2009

A mad woman's head

At one point in life everything that once made sensee to you will seem like nonsense. The truth is that though life is with infinte possibilities, it follows patterns. Like going to bed with the lights on, to find that when you wake up they've all been switched off.

Have you given a thought as to what emotions were felt, when the words were said? Ask yourself why somone who takes care of your needs, receives so little mention in your life Or have you really taken care of them at all?

How many times has he told you that he still needed you at all? Or is he waiting for those phone calls to stop? Has he hinted to you slowly more and more that he wanted you out of his life? When will you face up to the truth? And stop seeking confirmation of the fact that your in denial?

Do you love anyone at all? Or did you make it up like God, the Devil and everything such? Are there really so many questions that need answers to? When did you change from being the girl that wrote cursive to the one that learnt not to use it?

Let me take it to our little teacher who will tell me what this is, what this all means. This is what we did in Slim River land, mornings and afternoons alone to think of things that would make me understand the person I was becoming.

And when I became her, all I could do was wonder what had happened to the person that I used to be. Making conversations with people who were not even there, putting myself into social situations that never happened, and when they did, to find out my practice and response were inadequate.

Living through the emotions of other people by imbibing their music and their work, imersing myself into another world, created by words strung by a more creative mind that myself. Can we end it? End what is ending, faster, quicker and harder than the real end?

17 August 2009


I've been reading about the Far East today. Something my brother mentioned in conversation about a certain Unit 731 made me get online and read up. Three hours into Project Far East, and I am in shock.

Vivisection on human beings, sans anasthesia? Crazy experimentation on organ removals, pregnant women impregnated by doctors and then their foetuses subjected to disease carrying bacteria? Open canibalism in the Imperial Japanese Army.. wow. I thought I studied history, I thought the Japs masaccred people, buried them in open graves. What the history books DID NOT document (and I know this, because I loved my history book) was crazy time.

I mean Schindler's List popularised the plight of so many of the victims in Europe. What about the Asians.. read ... (ripped off wikipedia)

"It may be pointless to try to establish which World War Two Axis aggressor, Germany or Japan, was the more brutal to the peoples it victimised. The Germans killed six million Jews and 20 million Russians [i.e. Soviet citizenss]; the Japanese slaughtered as many as 30 million Filipinoss, Malayss, Vietnamese, Cambodians, Indonesianss and Burmesee, at least 23 million of them ethnic Chinese. Both nations looted the countries they conquered on a monumental scale, though Japan plundered more, over a longer period, than the Nazis. Both conquerors enslaved millions and exploited them as forced labourers—and, in the case of the Japanese, as forced prostitutes for front-line troops. If you were a Nazi prisoner of war from Britain, America, Australia, New Zealand or Canada (but not Russia) you faced a 4% chance of not surviving the war; [by comparison] the death rate for Allied POWs held by the Japanese was nearly 30%."

How did we all forget about this? And the fact that so many of those who committed this crime remain under amnesty protection (for being co-operative with the Allies, they got freedom & the Allies stopped the advent of communism in the Far East). The anger at this sudden knowledge & the disgust.

More than that, the proud denial of these crimes by the Japs.. the refusal to consider these actions as criminal & the continued classification and systematic destruction of documents and evidence linked to these events/plans/experiments/strategies is simply dumbfounding.

So sayonara sashimi, sushi & udon. Hell, I'll quit the ramen too if I have to, to make myself feel better. And no, no Ichiban lip gloss for me!

08 August 2009

Mr Fidel

It's been a long, hard and difficult week. I think I've learnt so much this week, it's felt like a month. My little love, Fidel was taken to the vet on Monday because he'd eaten stones and they were making him sick. I took time off work to see, amongst other things, his blood for the first time, when thet game him IV.

On Wednesday, he shat something that looked like a body part (which turned out to be his stomach lining) covered in blood, and I panicked. I'd spent two hours of Tuesday evening force feeding, cajoling him into eating one scoop of ice cream. I got to the doctors, and I was not alone. Nt the whole night, with everyone that was anyone there, and the doctors decided that Fidel needed to spend the night thtere, for an X Ray, blood tests and other things that would determine whether or not the stones would be flushed out on their own, with help or if it was, the last option- surgery.

Thursday the results came out, and surgery it was. The vet also asked me if Fidel was circumcised, and he wasn't. And then we realized that he suffered a genetic condition, that would make him infertile, where his testicles had not descended and were still somewhere in his body. I found this amusing, because I was still unsure of whether neutering was to be the right thing for him.

The surgery took two hours, I went it for some of it. The doc explained the intestine to me, ofcourse using Fidel's intestine that was lying out on the table like a prop. Showed us the stones (Bhav was with me, along with Nandu n Ray). While traumatizing me (it took me a couple of minutes to adjust to the smell, the sight and the blood)- it helped to understand, this little thing, that I loved, that couldn't speak and didn't show any pain.

I went to see him yesterday, and he's doing well. Took him for a quick walk, spent time with him while they gave him his drips. He was barking about the fact that he had to stay there, I can bring him home in a couple of days.

So this is my long week. I hope my last long week.

04 August 2009


Four walls all around me.
No doors for me to leave.

They close in to confront,
what I don't believe.

Alone in this darkness,
There's only silence.

And your paw prints on the floor,
You claw marks on my skin.