24 February 2009
There are so many things that I still have to do and want to do, like sky dive & para glide & have a baby & get married, things that I want to experience. But I've realized in the past few days, while the things that we do may be new, we're only going to feel the same old emotions. What can be different about them, would be the intensity or the tenure, but in essence happiness in itself is not novel.
Ofcourse, there may be one of two things that are yet to be experienced. Like the feeling that people get, when they say they have a kid, about how they find it hard to believe that they could ever love someone.something as much as they do their new born baby. Or maybe, the grief that comes with loosing the same child that gave you so much happiness. But I can't help but feel, that even these emotions are only going to be the same ones that we've experienced before.
Like an old marker, with fresh ink. The realization of this, has some how taken the mint from the mint leaves, the zest (albeit subdued) from the orange and the love of life from me. I guess I am more emotional and heart bound that most people give me credit for :)
23 February 2009
A leaden heart that a heavy breath canntot dispense off. A heaving outlet of emotions, hair across your face, tears in your eyes, running along your cheek, tipping at the edge of your jaw, falling into nothingness.
A piercing pain at the back of your throat, silent screams, dancing lips. Scrunched up cheeks, a salty taste. Swallowing sadness, into nothingness. Dry lips, a quiet night, darkness all around you, echoing walls.
Your heart aches to feel, yet it does everytime. You write words of apology, words of question. Looking for answers to only ever get none. You wonder out loud your pain, and see that no one really cares.
You're a sucker for happy endings, and you want to end this happily too, but there is no happiness in this world around you. You will to remember when you laughed out loud, but memory does not serve you for this.
What it serves you for is the sad disgrace of a bottomless fall, a fall that sees no end, no bottom. A mountain with no edge to fall off, hard rock grief. It strikes you that you have taken so much, and yet you continue to breath.
Yet every day, as surely as traffic lines up outside traffic signals, you feel a piece of that essence slipping away. Suspiciously, you wonder, if maybe it's the layers of illusion lined up in your head that is slowly but surely eroding astray.
21 February 2009
I don't know who all these other sabitha's are or what they do. I wonder if they share my life or if any part of their life mirrors mine.
Through the search descriptions I know one plays tennis and she was 16 in 2007. I know a lot of their namesare spelt without the h's. How can we think of ourselves as being unique, when even our names are shared.
i've been heavy hearted lately. there's so much going on that I haven't addressed. I'm finding it difficult to cope with so much sadness, so many expectations broken. I guess, in many waysi'm just waiting for something good to happen.
In the shadow of happiness, I hope to sort all this negativity. I find this whole jig over whelming, and inside I feel this very strong desire to yell or turn myself inside out. Purgeall my memories, and badnessess. I want to run away, unscathed. I feel trapped, so manylines to follow, this straight road is not for me.
Eagerly looking forward to a breath of fresh fresh air.
17 February 2009
And then when you tell them what should have been done i.e. stating the obvious, they roll their eyes and look at you like you're from a different planet all together. Like what you suggested is something they never heard of and is something that only an insane woman would request.
WHY is it so difficult to just know what a girl wants? WHY WHY WHY???
12 February 2009
So all the people in this country, who believed in the constitutional right to love and show love (many of whom were women!!!!!! wooohooo!!!!) refused to get into a debate on the man's sutpidity and instead said, that they will send Pink Chaddy's (pink underwear- like Cupid) to the man. Another campaign to consider, is the one where we send Valentines Cards in the thousands to the man (especially since he threatened that his men would go to the shops and stop the sale of the cards).
Happy to report, that both campaigns are going quite well! Who said starvation is the only peaceful way to fight peacefully...(link)
And hence modern India battles the stupidity of self proclaimed 'CULTURE EXPERTS'!!!!!
10 February 2009
There was no cage, and the lion look unperturbed. His name was Conquisto and he did not dress in the attire that most magicians wore, he was not jovial and she found him some what strange. He had a long drawn beard, that followed the folds of his forlorn lips, and as the line of hair dragged his chin longer, at the very tip of the beard, he had sown a few beads into the hairline. His narrow drawn eyes, lined with kohl, never showed life. When you looked into them, there shone no light, and looking into them long enough gave her the feeling of entering a dark cave with no light at the end.
He ate with no fuss and very rarely conversed with the other circus staff. In the evenings when everyone gathered round a common fire, with gypsy like bonds, the magician sat on the last seat of his caravan, looking at nothing but the fire while the musicians on the side entertained the crowd with the sound of their fidels and ouds. There was dancing, and merriment on most days, except for the days when certain members of the acrobat troupe invariable had too much drink, and found themselves battling out their frustrations, in the open dining court. The rest of the circus formed that oval, and watched the joust, knowing not to interfere, and maintaining an objective distance.
On one such night, there was conversation between Lolo the front line acrobat & Gola. They were in love with one of the beauties that ushered the crowd in and were sent into the town to advertise for the circus. The beauty was herself not present, spending the night out on the town, dining with the mayor to gain favor for the travelling circus. Lolo had asked her to join him in the final bow at the end of the show the previous week, and Gola who had some form of a relationship was brimming with morbid jealousy at the audacity of Lolo to steal not only his position within the acrobat troupe but his woman as well.
He knew in his heart, that beauties never settled for circus folk, often disappearing from the circus with strange men in strange cities, to whom their hearts and bodies had been lent to briefly. They often tricked themselves into believing that a life of travel was beneath them, and it was not uncommon when the circus returned to these same cities & towns, for the beauties to return and shed tears when everyone laughed. Quietly they'd weep amidst the jovial crowd, yearning for what they had lost. And yet his pride was hurt, and his sword felt insulted at the walking traitor that beamed with delight, at the beauty's acceptance of her position next to him.
He challenged Lolo, when drunk and Lolo, also under the influence, gladly accepted, bragging ceremoniously that they would make official what was only known to everyone. Gola was no man, no good at keeping his woman to himself and most importantly, his acrobatic limbs were prone to disobey him, which meant it was only a matter of time before he lost his position within the chain of the acrobats.
Blood pumped ten fold in Gola, and he drew out his sword.
09 February 2009
How can a bunch of hooligans tell us what to do? I won't go into that. But what I can say is, that they can only tell us what to do, when we listen to them. Until we listen to them, we are not their puppets & neither do they hold the string that control us.
I'm not sure why, but lately I see how everything in this world is connected. Everyone is fighting or resisting something, I can't remember the last person that I met who was unaffected. I wonder if this is the effect of education or increased awareness, where everyone has their beliefs and when their beliefs are threatened they feel a need to defend.
Things have been turbulent on this planet lately. A big lesson was learnt the weekend before last- or maybe I should say re-learned- dont drink alchohol straight out of the bottle & don't rely on anyone. Funny how the past repeats itself, and time makes you react differently to the same situation- I guess we all have our learning curves.
I also had a dream. That triggered a cascade of sweetened memories, the sort that's hazy around the edges and looks like it's been photo-shop'd. If I had any artistic talent, I'd put it up on Hallmark, and make money. But it also triggered an emotional storm, that I'm still weathering out. Hopefully, it's temporary!