18th Feb 05
Just got off the phone with Jane. I'm shaking. Spent most of today high from the lack of sleep and sad to say booze. Been eating real little, sporadic outbursts, been moody (Told Rekha Aunty's five year old that if he din shut up o'd push him into the drain and make sure he'd get flushed into the ocean which wudn be a good thing coz he doesn't knw how to swim)- and i don't normally say that to kids. All signs show that i'm officially depressed. And I feel so alone now. And i keep remindin myself that there are others but i knw the ppl that i want. One's gone and another on her way. And this is what we all want tho right? I'm scared tho that India is gonna happen all over again. I'll be fine...right? I'm gonna be oooold soon, i dun still need preppers true?
'In one fell swoop, all my chicks, my pretty little chicks, gone.'
I am convinced that U cudn have picked a better time to be upped and gone.
WILL STOP PITYING MYSELF AND GET ON WITHE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
(which is no life cz just going to wash my face and watch T.V.)
Oh and went to the temple. It was ok, could have been worse i guess. Realized i don't like to pray coz i dun believe I can ask God something like a kid would ask Santa for pressies. That's why religion doesn't work for me or rather one of the reasons it doesn't work.
Oooh...decided me and Jane are like deer, we jump into the road happy and in our own world of dreams, get stunned by the headlights of traffic and then get run over. I thought it a fitting comparison, definitely random! Arent deer eaten up?