29 September 2005
Today a difficult roomate taught me something.. the value of motherhood.
what does she know, she's not living my life~ isn't that exactly why there's a problem? So many times, mummy, i knw i've thought that and maybe i still do. I know i do. I keep thinking that ur not good enough to even try to understand what I am going through, why i do so much shit behind your back.
but then today, i realized that thinking that is exactly that~ u will never understand what I'm going through if I don't tell you. I can't like 'she' did, expect to book myself a room and wait, for u to find me and ask me wt's wrong.. i need to tell u things more often.. i knw that and probably some day i'll get down to telling u all this..
bt till then.. i just remembered a couple of things. Like turning 18.. it was wit u n chennai.. it wasn't even my b'day, bt that lil trip by the beach in the hot sun.. sand so hot we HAD to walk wit our slippers on, eating steamed channa frm the sidestalls, buying shells collected frm the ocean, figuring out where the hell the malaysian embassy was in the sweltering city and the deceitfull auto man.. i think it was on the 10th of June..
Like in bangalore, when our house was being sued and u n i walked most of the court house looking for lawyers to check our case out, then finding the most useless one ever.. wt did u call him again?
Or in Kumbakonam this time arnd, when i cried abt the blood on the bed.. cz i was so angry that we had to sleep on that.. and u got mad and chucked everything out all arnd the room because u thought i deserved better, u were so angry ma, u were shaking all over... and then u cried too.. i was just mad at you then, now i'm in awe.. cz u have the funniest way of showing that you do give a dam
Or in Bangalore again, when u told Satish na off when he scolded me, because as u said, no one in the world can scold ur children or beat them but u, because u were our mother and u had the right to.
I do love you so much, strange how i never show it, or say it... sometimes i even forget it.. bt i knw i do.. especially when just writing these things down here makes me miss you n cry.. reminds me of when i watched Spanglish and Mansi was amazed to see me cry at the end of the movie.. because of the line.. wt u say wt u do whether u accept me or not (uni) it will not effect me, it will not define me.. because i have been defined by my mother... ur definition is not what i'm looking for.. or something along those lines.. u knw it's true for me too..
Posted by Saro