Swirly Twirly Deverish

 Imagine flying above the world you know and the life you lead, to look down on everyone you've ever met. Which of the faces are you searching for? 

Imagine the world around you crashing, heat from the fumes of the noisy traffic drilling slowly into your skin but you are not there, you are lost deep inside your mind and your thoughts. 

I am there, not in another day but a day that was. A moment that passed. I wake myself up, but I'm still there, just this time I can feel the gnaw of pain and the sawing disappointment. Wind knocks out of my stomach every punch that is delivered, and it hurts, yes, but why? 

I thought you loved me. I thought you cared. And I thought we were friends. 

"I thought," she says, "this would never end." 

Zap, I'm up, another week in the hospital room. He sits stoic, explaining the science to his scared but not confused personhood. Catching onto the letters of words thrown out by the doctors, swiftly googling their meaning. Wires hung from glass bottles of cancer fighting, cell destroying liquids while a silver haired man read ferociously off a mobile phone. 

She sinks on the wall, heavy on the cool white paint. Maybe it could swallow her whole, enshrine her within. 

"SHE LIVED AS SHE DIED- HERE AND THERE, BUT NEVER REALLY ANYWHERE." 

It would say. Her tomb. Then she remembers, she's here to help him fight this disease. Imagine that. Strength, where none is felt. The beeps fade into the background, getting fainter with every breath. She's going again. Dissociating from this plain reality to one filled with hurt, pain and confusion. Now that she knew this is where her head went. There's that banging again- clank! clank! clank! WHY WHY WHYYYYYY!